I'm not as cool as you.
My friends aren't as down as yours.
My parents don't make as much money as yours do.
I probably smoke and chill more then you do.
And you probably do more drugs and rage than I.
My clothes aren't as cute as yours,
And the car I drive is 10 years older then yours probably is.

It bugged me before, but then I realized I wasn't put on this earth to try and replicate your lifestyle, so I'm learning; that's what college is for right?
Figuring yourself out.

fog city

I woke up this morning to tears running down my face and black smudges on my pillow and my sleeves. I still had the taste of nicotine on my breath from the night before when we stood out on the fire escape and talked about things we hadn't talked about to anyone since we moved up to San Francisco. Our talk consisted of our futures, our pasts, our parents, drugs, depression, and cigarettes. This nicotine is making me nauseous, but i fear the mint from the toothpaste will also make me nauseous. Everything is making me nauseous.

Langston Hughes

Smoke that,
For all the young folks and the old farts.
For the sheltered kids and the judgmental adults.
For the crooked pigs and the racists.
The communists, democrats, socialists, republicans, and the anarchists.
Smoke that for all those who won't have the privilege to reach the heights that you can now touch with your graceful hand.
While your at it, go ahead and take a sip of that right there too.

Heartbreaker

I wasn't myself on that night. That night when I decided it was okay to embrace every pink, luscious pair of lips i came into contact with. I knew every face those lips belonged to and it wasn't the first time mine had come into contact with them, but when did it become okay to get every piece of ass you want? When did kissing a boy become as easy a task as asking someone their name? It really shouldn't be this easy but then again these boys weren't much of challenge on that warm summer night. That night when our hormones were raging with the fear that we might not ever see each other again so our wildest dreams of infatuation had to come true before we had to depart. I had just begun to drink and he had a curfew so we did what we could with the little bit of time we were given. He asked me if I wanted to go to my car and I thought it absurd at first that a boy asked me to go to my car but then i forgot about the sense it lacked at answered with a "yes, i do." As we walked down the street he held my hand as if we had been together for months. It was strange but then the way he kissed me the second i walked into the party was strange too so I decided not to question its nature.

When we reached my car I clicked the unlock button twice and he opened the back door. How chivalrous of him I thought at first but then my gut corrected interrupted my thinking and reminded me of how dumb I really had become. I stepped in the backseat first and he swiftly followed as if he'd been playing out this moment over and over in his mind. I slid over on the seat and sat up against the opposite door. He knelt on hands and knees and kissed me. The kisses were sweet but the feelings were bitter. I had feelings for this boy but even I was surprised that we had actually gotten to this point. The kisses got rougher and rougher so even I knew what was about to happen. He held my neck with his right hand letting me know that he knew exactly what he was about to do to me and that this wasn't his first time doing it. He slid his hands down to take off my shirt. Now i understood exactly what was going on so i decided to take his off too. He was an athlete and his body was no disappointment. In that same moment he looked at me as if his eyes were trying to tell me something that he didn't have enough strength to say with his words and he kissed me hard. So hard and with so much passion a chill went up my spine and violently shook my entire body. I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him back just as hard. Without a second of hesitation we were almost completely bare. I was as naked as I was the day I was brought into the world but he kept on his pants. Fuck me he was gorgeous. The way the streetlight shone on his face through my fogged windows made his golden brown skin glow something beautiful.

living space

My limewire says I have no internet connection, this wine is extremely cheap and I feel like writing. Your right, my best writing does come out when i'm inebriated but please don't use this as an example. All I can think about is you and how much you've influenced my life and you don't even know it. I did acid on saturday and for the majority of the trip all i could think of is how much fun i'd have if i was with you. Being able to hear your views and thoughts on life and how everything works would have been music to my ears except.. I was already listening to music, but it doesn't matter. I wish you would come up to see me or at least send me something. You did ask for my address, remember? Remember that night that we went to LA to see, what was their title? The Titans? I can't remember exactly, but they did the cover of Phillis Dillons' Picture on the Wall. Remember that? And after we left we went to your friends house and I threw up by the kids' slide and you came over to give me your jacket and gave me just the amount of affection i needed? Then i went over and made out with your best friend but he critizied my kissing so I don't really count that one as if it really happened. He's cute and all, but your something beautiful. Your different and I fell in love with you when I was in 7th grade at a carnival going through my most confusing years. But now I don't know if I would call it love because I don't know enough about you to love you but your beautiful and that's all that matters.

Goodnight and dreamsweet.

Modern Times

That was the trouble with being a writer, that was the main trouble -- leisure time, excessive leisure time. You had to wait around for the buildup until you could write and while you were waiting you went crazy, and while you were going crazy you drank and the more you drank the crazier you got. There was nothing glorious about the life of a writer or the life of a drinker.
- Charles Bukowski

smiley

It did help, helped a lot. I feel a lot.. lighter. Never in my life have i had so many feelings bottled up inside of me at once, it's not healthy.

Pretty day with nothing to do, and nothing to do anything with.
I'm so depressing..

Too much

Normally writing helps me feel better but I think this time it might fail me. Nothing is making me feel better at this point, probably because I've never felt so fucking low in my entire life & to be honest I really don't know why i feel like this. I've been extra drunk before and embarrassed myself so that shouldn't be bothering me and truth be told the way things have ended up with him is actually the way i wanted things to end up and I've come to terms with the fact that I might be losing a few "friends" here. So I don't know why I feel like this. I can't figure out this feeling that's been bothering me all day, I don't even know if it has a name, but its making life rougher then it needs to be. It's causing me to think too much, and that is never a good thing for me. In the past thinking has brought me only to more problems. And to top it off its raining just to rub it in my face. These lights I'm surrounded by are showing me all the opportunites out there, whispering to me about everything good in this city. But i choose to sit in my apartment and let this single fenêtre block out everything.

I still don't feel much better, but I really fucking wish you were here.

Just browsin'

“ does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, i never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, i never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, i don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? i think and think and think, i’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

Jonathan Safran Foer

A rose for you

Am i just torturing myself trying to reconnect with my past and holding onto a present I'm not even sure if I want ? And the future ? The future is way over my head but I feel that it's going to be a lonely one. The gray thunder cloud is heading my way, just when i thought I was going to be in the clear too..

Baby,

I don't like the feeling of feeling uncertain about the things that you have 100% control over.
Or should have anyways.

But now i know what it feels like to be him.

A relationship is effort, i will match your work.

But i guess he came up a bit short.

We had moved up the ladder of uhh, emotional stability [ha] so much. So much closer to perfection, i thought. But i guess just like before i hadn't noticed all the little knicks in the rungs.

-_____-

I feel like im bound to fail.

.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Too much shit on my mind. I can't handle all these dates and deadlines, its fucking driving me crazy. Looks like im gunna be attending motherfucking mt. sac seeing as how im turning in the housing app late because i didnt remember the fucking date. WHAT THE FUCK. This shit is so frustrating, if i dont get housing, i am fucked. Fuck.

ACCEPTED

to ucr & SFSU !!!



i never realized how dark it is in here -____-

Aye yo smokkkkey !

A cluster of vultures are swarming around inside my throat and when i breathe hard enough I swear you can hear them talking about how their going to ruin my day.

babygirl

We hate to see her cry just as much as she probably hates to let her feelings show but she has no choice. She has no control over her emotions; she always screams about how overwhelming they are and when she has to run to the shower everytime, we have learned to understand. Neither of us could even try to understand what she has went through. Both of us have gone through our share of heartbrakes; some bigger than others but still.. none compare to this continuous one. She steps in the shower with all of her makeup running down her face, partly clothed becuase since he's been gone she just doesnt have the energy. She stands in the shower completely soaked. It makes her feel comfortable. The water disguises her tears and the way the drops hit muffle her sounds. And just knowing that she can feel the drops is okay enough for her because she is always reassured that she is alive.

.

Nothing feels right right now.
I feel extremely out of place almost everywhere i am.
There seems as if there is another something controling my mind and my feelings.
I feel dirty and alone and somewhat indescribable.

The move, moval, the drive, the sex, the 60 and the 15 and the 10 and the 210, the 4runner, the camrey, the school, track, me, and my mom, my dog, my shower, my feelings, and my thoughts, my nail polish, my dirty jeans and dirty shirts, the cold days and the colder nights, this pleather jacket, the storm, my itouch, the music, the tv, the news, and episodes of sex and the city.

Nothing feels right at all.